"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Just Plain Lazy

I desire.  Doesn't everyone?  Of course.  But does everyone have a strong enough will to realize those desires?  I've recently begun to understand the difference between desire and willingness.  Though I may have strong desires, I often fall short of the willingness (drive, energy, whatever) to make
them happen.  Sometimes I lack the skills or the time. Sometimes I'm just lazy. Sometimes people work against me and I don't have the strength to continue fighting for what I want.  Desire alone is not enough.  Willingness has to be an equal partner in the journey.   

I desire to be closer to my Lord, but I don't always make the time to talk with Him, read His word, and live by His example.  It isn't as though my desire is weak.  I am too focused on worldly things and ideas to take time for Him each day.

I desire oneness, but I'm worn down and I won't put myself on the line.  If you read my posts then you know that I have been searching this path for a while.  You also know that I am traveling an isolated road, alongside others whom I long to know.  The desire for oneness and the willingness to do what is necessary to achieve it (i.e. communication) aren't easily reconciled.

I desire a loving family, but I fail to teach them gentleness.  I don't always give them enough of my time to learn how to be polite, kind, and patient.  I don't always feel like playing Old Maid or Checkers or Hide & Seek.

I desire close relationships but I'm not willing to step forward and make a new friend.  I am an introvert who, because of my job and life, is forced to portray himself as outgoing.  It's hard for me to trust people and make friends.  Sure, there are many people who "like" me, but not many whom I would call "friend.

Why do I defer my desires?  Why do I hesitate to say things, to ask for what I want, to extend a hand, to play a game?  Perhaps it's because I fear rejection or feel inadequate in some way, or maybe I am just plain lazy.

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