"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Sunday, July 17, 2011

To Choose Or To Choose Not

1 Corinthians 7:4
The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 

James 1:4
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Kit Kittredge
We're not OK if we're not together.

Kentucky Colonel (that's what he likes to be called) from A Grown Up Marriage wrote a followup to his article, That's Not My Preference that discusses the consequences of a person's choice not to meet his/her spouse's wants/needs/desires.

The article's emphasis is on the person who is capable of meeting his/her spouse's needs, but chooses not do so, usually because it is too intimate. He does, however, makes a clear distinction between those who are not able (because of physical illness or injury), not yet ready (because of abuse issues), and those who are capable, but simply choose not to fulfill a spouse's need/desire.

The mature spouse works to overcome many issues for the good of his/her spouse and marriage. There are natural consequences that occur when a spouse makes a choice not to fulfill a request that falls within his/her capabilities. When someone refuses an intimate request from a spouse, it almost always results in damage to the marriage in the way of a separation from intimacy.  A piece of marital intimacy is destroyed when a need is not met by a spouse who is capable of meeting that need, but is choosing not to. Wives might begin to "nag."  Men might withdraw into themselves and not reach out anymore. In either case, the spouse will eventually find another way to meet that need, taking something that should be part of the marriage and placing it elsewhere. I do not believe that God wants married couples to grow apart, but rather to always grow closer together in oneness.


What to do?

Husbands, if your wife has asked you to do something for her, but you have chosen not to do it, then you need to start doing it.  Ask her forgiveness and tell her you intend to do better, starting right now.  If she wants you to hang a shelf, then get your hammer and do it.  If she wants you to lead a family Bible study, then open your Bible and set a time. If you are uncomfortable, then ask her to help you, and you will grow in intimacy with each other. Don't make it a one-time thing (practice makes perfect, you know).  Keep moving forward and improving, and you will see your marriage grow stronger every day.   If you choose not to, then expect her to express her disappointment, and be prepared to accept the consequences as your intimacy deteriorates.

Wives, if your husband has asked you for something but you have chosen not to do it, then you need to start doing it.  Ask for his forgiveness and tell him you intend to do better, starting right now.  If he wants a more relaxing home, then find a way to make it happen.  If he wants something different in bed, then start doing it.  If you aren't comfortable, then read a book on the subject or better yet, ask him for help.  It's going to be awkward at first, but if you learn together, then you will grow in intimacy with each other. Don't make it a one-time thing (practice makes perfect, you know).  Keep moving forward and improving, and you will see your marriage grow stronger every day.   If you choose not to, then expect him to express his disappointment, and be prepared to accept the consequences as your intimacy deteriorates.


What will I, personally, do with this information?

  • I will listen to what my wife wants and start honoring her requests.
  • I will express my own desires to my wife.
  • I will ask for her forgiveness when she expresses her disappointment, and I will work to improve whenever I can. 
  • I will express my disappointment when necessary, so she can improve and grow. 
  • I will continue to lead us toward a marriage of emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical oneness with each other.
Now, let's get out there and meet our spouses' needs!!

No comments:

Post a Comment