"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Monday, March 12, 2012

Intimacy ... and Fear

To know and be known, completely. That's the intimacy we long for. I mean deep, deep, DEEP down inside.  We want it.  It feels right.

Sooo ... why don't we have it??  What's going on here, guys?  Why don't we "man-up" and open up?    What are we afraid of?

When we fall in love in all our googly-eyed, "everything is beautiful" euphoria, we are sure that we want to know everything about the target of our affections.

Until ....

You see, in every relationship, the cracks eventually begin to show, and when they do, the "I want us to know each other completely" thing really stares us down.  How much do I really  want her to know about me?  Do I really want to let her in on all of my secrets?  ALL OF THEM???  Do I?  REALLY???

  • Do I want her to know that I like to do that "nervous shake" thing with my leg because it feels neat?
  • Where would she stand on the scratching of private parts?
  • Do I want her to see the disgusting condition of my apartment?
  • Would I be comfortable letting this woman do my laundry? Even the underwear??
  • What about my perverted mind?  How can I let her in there???  Does she know how easily aroused I am?  I better hide that from her.  She won't understand.
  • What about the dreaded s-word (sex)?  How will I ever tell her about the wildness that I want in the bedroom?
  • Should I tell her about the thoughts I have when I look at the shape of her?  She'll probably slap me and never talk to me again.  
  • What about that super-secret stash of candy and chips in my car?  Oh, yeah.  She already knows about that.

It's complicated, this intimacy thing.  There is a definite cut-off point beyond which most of us are unwilling to let another human being  see or know us.  What are we afraid of?  More often than not, we want to develop that oneness with our wives, even yearn for it, but we are fearful of the rejection that so often accompanies intimacy.

Let's face it.  Men and women are different.  Men seek the physical intimacy as a means of feeling loved.  Women need the emotional connection to feel loved.  Who is wrong?

Neither is wrong.

What, then, should us male-types do about this?

First, we must accept that God made us the way we are.  We have our particular personalities because our Father in Heaven made them so.  That is not to say environment played no role in our how wonderful we turned out.  Of course, the way we were raised, our friends, siblings, past girlfriends and such all have influenced the way we are. However, each person is born with a certain bent toward one thing or another, and that remains with us forever.

So, we must stop apologizing for the skeletons in our closets and the desires in our hearts.  We must let them out and let our wives see them and accept them (or not) - because, frankly, sometimes they won't accept our skeletons, and sometimes they will want to change our desires. (*GASP* - You want WHAT??)  But that is a topic for another day.

Secondly, we must begin using the f-word (that's right - "feel").  We must start saying how we feel.  We must not continue to hide behind our facade while also expecting to develop any kind of real intimacy with our spouses.  Women like to talk.  we need to understand that and begin to open up to them.  It isn't easy, I know.  But our relationships will be so much better when we take this step.

Thirdly, we must accept the weirdness that comes from our wives, because two can play this game, and by golly, women are weird, too.  Not as disgusting maybe, but weird nonetheless.  They are just as frightened to expose themselves to us as we are to them.  Be gentle, be caring, be accepting, whether or not they accept you.  It's the right thing to do.

There you have it.  Just a few thoughts to kick off the topic of intimacy.  As always, I welcome your thoughts, reactions and questions.   In the meantime, go tell your wife a secret about yourself.

Be genuine - from the inside out!


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