"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Thoughts on Intimacy

Originally Posted on Tenorboy Journal, May 21, 2011)

"You can't be known by someone who won't know you, and you can't know someone who won't be known." ~Anonymous


True intimacy in marriage doesn't just happen. And NO, I'm not just talking about sex.  I'm talking about becoming one flesh in every sense of the word - to be known, completely, by your wife, and to know her completely as well.  Body and soul.  The good, the bad, and the ugly (believe me, my wife has seen my ugly, especially the last few months).  It's about knowing the deep thought lives of each other.  It's about taking up the slack for each other, because you just know your spouse can't take it anymore.   

A few months ago the Lord laid a burden on my heart in this area, so I've been researching the matter exhaustively, and, with much prayer, I am laying some of my thoughts on the line, right here, right now, with the hope that someone will find this information useful.

I must add a disclaimer:  I am not an expert in the field of marriage intimacy, nor have I achieved even one tenth of a  fleck of what is possible. However, I have done more than a fair amount of prayerful study, and have come up with a few ideas and opinions.
First, to accomplish this kind of "oneness,"  you need two willing partners.  If you don't have a willing wife, forget it - it ain't gonna happen. Then you have to open yourself completely to her; you must be willing to lay your whole self out, vulnerable and awkward, naked and unashamed, with all your faults exposed.  You must be willing to let another person into your depths, tell them all your secrets, all your desires, all your thoughts, good and evil. Your wife must be willing to explore you and know you and accept you for who you are, understanding that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, and your bent is what it is.  She must be a safe haven - someone who will not be shocked by what you tell her.  She must be open to the fact that you are not Mr. Wonderful; instead, you are Mr. "I'm-An-Ugly-Pig-On-The-Inside," and she must be OK with it.

This intimacy thing is a two-way street, so wives must also lay themselves out for us husbands, no holds barred.  They must be willing to trust us completely with their most intimate thoughts and desires, their dreams, their less-than-prefect figures, their wants and needs.  We must be willing to get in there and let them be themselves.

Too many couples are afraid to express their needs to each other for fear of their spouse's reaction.  If we are willing to take the chance to make ourselves totally vulnerable (and BELIEVE ME it isn't easy), we can unlock a level of intimacy that until now we have only imagined possible.  You CAN be married to your best friend.  You CAN have the oneness that God intended for husbands and wives.

Malachi 3:3
“He (God) will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. He will purify the Levites, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord” 

My research included, but was not limited to:

One Flesh Marriage
The Generous Husband
The Generous Wife
Journey To Surrender
15-Minute Marriage Makeover
The Sexual Man
Focus on the Family - Marriage and Relationships
Holy Sex


  1. As a wife, I appreciate this so much. It's scary, this real-intimacy thing. Being completely open with each other about everything. But I have found in my own experience with my husband that when we trust each other completely, we grow closer together in all other areas of our life, including sexually. Plus, it's just incredible to have ONE PERSON with whom you can share your whole self, and from whom you need have no secrets. What an incredible blessing. :)

    Jaimie at Living in the Light

    1. True, it is scary to be completely open. That's why many of us hide our feelings and hesitate to express our needs and desires. Trust is the key. When you trust each other you feel safe enough to be genuinely open. That is when intimacy blossoms.