"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Friday, April 6, 2012

Husband ... Express Thyself!

This morning I was reading Husband, Open Up, an article from Marriage Today, when I realized that the author was speaking directly to me.  If you follow my blogs, then you know some of my personal journey for intimacy.  You also know that I have been working at being more genuine, honest and open in my relationships.

The question is, do I open myself up for others to see?  My friends and family?  My co-workers? My wife? 

If I'm going to completely honest here, I will have to say no.  Shocking, I know.  I am not the genuine husband I claim to be.

Sadly, I still keep most of what I think, want, and feel bottled up inside.  I just go with the flow.  I don't make waves. 

Why?  Because it's easier that way.

Wait a minute ... is it really??

Hmmmmm ....

I guess deep down inside I'm afraid that who I am inside is too ugly to reveal to another person. If I share, then people won't like me.  My wife will look at me with disgust.  In the back of her mind she will always see my true ugliness behind her husband.

Like many other men, I fear rejection, so I go on being the person others want me to be so I don't have the less-that-delightful experience of rejection. If I don't ask, no one will say no.  My experience with people has shown me that I should be careful about trusting them.  I certainly am not talking about all the people, but if we all would take an honest look at this quandary, we would realize the number of people we can truly count on is, indeed, very small.

I'm afraid that my desires are wrong or weird, so I put them away.  I think I'm the only man who thinks and feels this way.  I have desires that are, and will forever remain, unfulfilled.  The reason for this is because either (a) I haven't made them known, or (b) I have made them know as "no big deal," when they are, in fact, a VERY BIG DEAL.  

I'm afraid to lose hope that my goals and dreams will be realized, so I never let them out.  I have a very active fantasy life where all my desires are realized and all my goals are attained.  The moment I let a desire escape my mouth, I risk the possibility that someone will put an end to my dream with a simple 2-letter word: "No."  If I keep them all inside they won't be dismissed, and I will be able to hold onto them a little while longer. 

I, like most me, live my life this way.  Is it a good thing?  Definitely not.  Can I change?  Yes, but it ain't gonna be pleasant.

  • First, I have to accept that I have wants, desires, dreams.  I have to own them and not be afraid of them or ashamed of them.

  • Secondly, I have to be brave enough to let them out of their hiding place. I need to learn to truly express my desires and feelings instead of saying, "whatever you want," or "that's fine," or "I don't care." 
 *A quick word about expressing desires ....

"Expressing desires" is just a fancy way of saying, "asking for what you want."    When we ask for what we want we will get one of three answers:
  1. Yes - If the answer is yes, well, then COOL!  We never really had anything to worry about.
  2. No - If the answer is no, it will hurt, sometimes A LOT.  You have to ask God to remove this desire.  
  3. Maybe - Maybe is generally a postponed "no."  See No. 2.  

  • Finally, I have to pray that God will open me up (this probably should have been first) so that I will be more genuine and learn to express myself honestly.
I have a lot of work to do as a man and as a husband.  I need to open up more and be more genuine in my relationships.  I know that I will risk my comfort and will have to let many desires go unfulfilled, maybe even for a lifetime.  I know it won't always be a smooth road, and people won't react the way they do in my fantasy world.

Still, I must try. 


From the inside out,

TB

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