"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Why Husbands Leave, Part 4: Sex and Desire

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This is part 4 in my "Why Husbands Leave" series.  If you missed the previous 3 posts, follow the links at the end of this post.

Men have needs (duh). One of our largest needs is to feel sexy and desired by women, particularly our wives if we are married.  Many times, however, husbands don't feel especially sexy or desired. Husbands have desires on a deep level that, if left unattended can cause serious damage to him and to the marriage.

What the heck am I talking about?

We all know that in most marriages wives are in charge when it comes to sexual activities.  Sex happens only when they say, where they say, and only includes the things they say it will include.  Husbands can initiate until the cows come home and it won't make a bit of difference.  Generally speaking, her sexual preferences are the only thing on the menu, take it or leave it. If she wants a certain something, that's what they do. If she doesn't, they don't.  Done deal. As long as the end result is the same every time, he should feel desired and sexy, right?

Many of you are probably shaking your heads in disagreement. but if you really examine it closely, it's true in a vast majority of marriages.

Here are just a few facts from my research:
  • Men wait an average of 4 days from the time they begin initiating sexual intimacy until they actually have sex with their spouses (no wonder we give up).
  • 52% of husbands have stopped initiating sex with their wives.
  • In a survey of 2,473 men, 7 out of 10 said they were afraid to ask for anything different sexually from their wives. 
  • In the same survey, almost all husbands said they enjoyed seeing their wives' bodies. 
  • A poll of 1,500 wives showed that 4 out of 5 placed a higher priority on their children and house than pleasing their husbands.
  • 75% of husbands stated that they would try anything their wives wanted in bed.
  • 62% of wives are reluctant to let their husbands take the lead in bed.
  • 69% of wives do not enjoy giving their husbands sexual pleasure if it doesn't involve intercourse. 
  • 43% of women do not like to get messy during sex.
  • 84% of women have sex to get their guy to do more around the house.
    What to do?

Men are visual creatures.  We are sexual creatures.  We desire adventure and variety.  We are hunters by design.  It's how our Heavenly Father made us.

I am fully aware of the fact that husbands are supposed to turn their sexual appetites toward their wives (1 Cor. 7:2), but when he she is too ashamed to show him the love he needs, it feels to him like something is wrong with him, as though he isn't sexy enough or desirable enough for her to share her body with him.  When this happens, he feels awkward; he will shut down to her and seek other ways to make himself feel better. 

If a wife consistently avoids things in bed that she is uncomfortable with, he will become passive.  He will not initiate sex, and will leave it all up to her.  When, where, how, etc... all for her to decide.  He will stop asking.  He won't stop desiring, he'll just stop asking.  He'll write her off as a playmate.  Just like a viticulturist prunes the unproductive branches of the grape vine, a husband will "prune" his wife from that part of his life.  Then he will look for ways to fulfill that desire elsewhere.

If a wife treats sex as a chore instead of deriving joy from giving pleasure to her husband, he will not feel desired; he won't feel good when he's with her. As a result he will withdraw from her and seek out people who find him pleasant to be around.  He will find a way to fill that need of being wanted.

If a woman is too ashamed to reveal her body to her own husband (Gen. 2:25), he will seek out opportunities to see a naked woman, because he has an attraction to them. You see, a naked woman is, to a man, like a light bulb is to a fly.  He will keep flying into it even if he knows it's a terrible idea.
  • He might linger a bit longer on that television station.  
  • He might let his eye be drawn to the advertisements on the right bar of his computer. He may even click on the link. 
  • Perhaps he will ogle the young jogger in the park.   
  • He might view pornography.
  • He may have an affair.
  • He might leave the marriage.
Am I saying it is right for a husband to do these things?

Absolutely not.

BUT ... many husbands are easily and deeply wounded by rejection from their wives.  When husbands are wounded in a sexual way, it cuts to the very heart of their identity.  Men are created that way.  Yes, it really does mean that much.  In some cases this is why husbands leave.


Submit. When wives do not submit to their husbands sexually (translation = when wives don't give their husbands the sex they want/need), it places the husband in a vulnerable position in which he is more open to temptation.  He will be drawn to situations that make him feel sexy and desired.  That retail clerk who always winks at him might turn out to be someone who will fulfill his sexual desires.  He should be turning these desires toward his wife, but if she isn't willing or available, he becomes susceptible to sexual temptation. In his letter to the church in Ephesus, Paul wrote, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything"(Eph. 5:24). I believe this also carries through to things sexual, as a means to keep husbands from being tempted by things outside of the marriage.

Now, before you all jump on me for being a misogynistic jerk, husbands are looking for more out of this deal than just sex.  It's about intimacy.  Oneness, Being known. completely.  The whole enchilada.  Husbands want sex to be a completely non-taboo activity.  They don't want to be thought of as "yucky" in any way, but sadly in many cases that is exactly how they feel.

And ... I'm not saying all of this falls on the shoulders of wives.  There are many husbands who have not spoken up about this, but are passively accepting what is given without making waves. ("What we have here is a failure to communicate." - Sorry, I just couldn't resist) In such cases, the husband needs to speak up and express his needs.  If his wife doesn't know she isn't meeting a need, there's no reason for her to think there's a problem.      

What to do?

Wives need to know their husbands. I mean really know them.  They need to become students of the things that please their husbands and make them feel sexy and desired.  Simple as that.  Learn about him and his needs and learn how to meet them.  Start small, simple - Rome wasn't built in a day

Husbands mustn't forget that when Adam and Even introduced sin into the world, God promised men a life of pain and frustration.  Like it or not, they must accept the likelihood that their wives may not EVER make them feel desirable.  With that in mind, trusting in God and focusing on His promises that things will be much better when they're walking on streets of gold is a more productive use of a man's time than walking around in a perpetual pity party.  Meanwhile, they need to speak up and take the lead.  It might make them happier men and better husbands.

From the inside out,


If you would like to read the rest of the series, here are the links.
Why Husbands Leave, Part 1: Significance
Why Husbands Leave, Part 2: Love
Why Husbands Leave, Part 3: Respect 

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  1. found you on "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum"
    Great series :)

  2. Thank you! I've been reading your (and your husband's) blog as well. Good stuff! You're a huge blessing to a lot of couples.

  3. Wow, I just don't agree with alot of this! Men nor women are animals. God made us with self control. Marriage mates have to be apart sometimes, and that should not dictate if a spouse is faithful or not. A wife should not submit in fear that her husband will leave her! God made marriage, and God is the happy God! If you and your spouse can't relax around one another in every way (yes, including sexually) then maybe you're with the wrong guy! I think this is more or less giving men excuses to act like a beast instead of a conscience human being! I am so happy I am not fed this stuff at my church.

    1. Thank you for your comments. I agree that women should not submit in fear. Submission is a choice. The point of this series was not to utter my own opinion of wifely submission, but rather to expose the largely unspoken topic of why husbands leave their marriages.

      True, God made marriage, but God is not always "the happy God." He has been know to become quite angry with His children, and He has been know to strike and He has allowed and does allow the enemy to tempt us with lustful thoughts and actions.

      Husbands are barraged with temptation all day long. When a Christian wife follows the tenets set forth in God's Word and submits herself to her husband, he (the husband) will be less susceptible to sexual temptation.

      Again, thank you for your thoughts!

    2. Satan is attacking many, many marriages through the weaker vessel. Women have the power to raise their husbands to higher levels or bring them down to lower levels. I am in one that has brought me down to lower levels. When women acknowledge their responsibility in the marriage, the marriage will fly like God intended it. This DOES NOT give the husband the right to be a beast or lord it over their wife. This should only give them the freedom to serve their wives and to love their wives like God is calling them to, like Chris loved the church and give themselves up for their wives. I pray over marriages everyday so that they will become one in Christ like they are called to be. I will not stop going to war over marriages everyday!!!

    3. So in all case men should accept his marriage and suffer with no hope of his wife not even trying

    4. 3 years 3 months no sex
      My marriage is over just two people with the same address
      Because of no sex I am bitter mad Fed up any leaving once affairs are in order I hate my wife 24 hrs a day now
      Only telling the truth

  4. I've read through all 5 of your series. I think this is great to get a guys perspective. I've come back to #4 because I've written a post geared toward women to understand why sex is so important for men. I think it complements what you are saying. It's called Why Sex? http://www.oysterbed7.com/2012/04/why-sex.html

  5. I looked at your website. Pretty good stuff! I like the research about the connection between the male/female brain and libido. I never saw that particular study before. It really put things into perspective for me as well, knowing that my bride's brain is physically different from mine. Thank you for doing such good work!

  6. Very interesting to read this from a male point of view. I wonder if it occurred to you WHY women (in general) are less interested in sex. I would like to concur that the fault largely lies with men. I agree with women submitting to men. In all areas. Regarding sex specifically, it is much more than an act in bed; sex begins long before the lights are dimmed. A woman's level of desire for sex has a LOT to do with how she is treated before the couple ever gets to the bedroom. If her husband has a roving eye (yes, wives notice when their husbands gaze lingers where it shouldn't) this may tell her that she's not attractive enough. If her husband isn't kind or speak kindly to her throughout the day, she isn't likely to feel loved. And if she doesn't feel loved and attractive, she's not going to feel like 'letting go' during sex. And then you have all the problems you mention above. Ultimately, it is a two-way street and BOTH people in the marriage need to be what they should before sex can be healthy and enjoyed by both. Your post makes it sound as if it's all the woman's fault if a man isn't being fulfilled sexually. While what you say is true, I would say that the reason the woman is acting this way is a reaction to the way she is treated. "Men are actors and women are reactors." Men, if your wife is cold and unresponsive in bed, take a look at the way you've treated her during the day; does she KNOW you love her? Does she KNOW that you find her attractive? Does she KNOW that you are committed to HER?

    1. Thanks for the comments.

      First, let me say that my wife DEFINITELY knows that I love her and I find her attractive. That was not the point of my post. Please understand that I wrote this series from the point of view of a man who might leave his marriage, not my own point of view.

      I do agree that many times a wife's desire for sex depends on how she is treated by her husband. It IS a two-way street, and if I am not loving my wife as Christ loved the church, then I should not expect any degree of response from her.

    2. You're fighting a man/woman war with your point of view. That may work for you, but if you "win", what have you really won?

    3. I'm not fighting a war, just reflecting what the research shows. Like I stated in the post and in subsequent comments, these aren't necessarily my opinions. I'm writing about what I've read and heard from talking to husbands.

    4. Amen to the reply by this woman.

      Men are going to look at porn and other women regardless of what their wife/gf does or doesn't do and then become disconent. Women react to this discontent. Men are rarely honest especially on this topic, off course they like to look at their wife but they like the other women better (which they aren't going to say as they would sound like the jerk they are).

      When my ex wanted anual sex, screw him. How about I put a dildo up your butt and see if you can learn to enjoy the "pleasure" -- an unlubed one to boot - he didn't know what the heck is is doing. Trust a man in his sexual desires???? A man wants to stick his dick in just about any place as long as it doesn't cause him pain - he can't know of his woman's pain and sure, my feel bad if he causes her pain but only after he has inflicted it (because he is more honed in on his pleasure and desire versus understanding of what it is doing to his SO). So, why would I let my man take the lead in bed - his expectations and fantasy are at the expense of my body and frankly, even if we did them he wouldn't be pleased and happy - so big are his fantasies that they can be met hence just unhappiness and discontent.

      It is a rare man that cares more for his wife then himself. Most think they do but they don't. We trick ourself but we don't trick another that is asking to use us for their pleasure despite the issues that we suffer.

      Men can take their current modern day sex fantasies and have them with each other and see how they like getting used and forced into painful sexual ways.

  7. I really liked your "Why Your Husband Leaves" series, thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have a very clear and honest way of sharing.

    1. Thank you. I took some time to read through your entire blog. Great stuff. Well thought out, and VERY no-nonsense. Thank you for fighting the battle for godly marriages!

  8. Thank you for writing this article. I do feel undesired by my wife. She rarely looks at me or wants sex. I work 2 jobs to support our very large family and try to help in other areas but her focus is on the children and the house. The only time she truly wants me is when she wants to get pregnant (about every 2 years). And as a result, I desperately want to feel attractive to someone. I wish I had no sex drive at all because I don't like looking at other women (which I rarely do) or flirting (even harmlessly). I have felt like I am letting down my wife (by constantly finding her attractive and showing my desire for her even though she is not often interested) and, worse, letting down God by doing little things He doesn't want me doing. This article helped me understand that I am not alone.

    1. Amen brother. I have prayed so many times that God would take the desire to make love to my wife because it causes me so much hurt. I always work to please her when we do as well to make sure she enjoys it as much as I do.

  9. "You see, a naked woman is, to a man, like a light bulb is to a fly. He will keep flying into it even if he knows it's a terrible idea."

    Uh, no. The fly is essentially brainless, driven completely by instinct to the "allure" of the light bulb. This perpetuates a stereotype that gives "cavemen" an excuse when it comes to naked women (other than their wives" and demeans men who know what discernment is.

    1. First, let me say that I do not condone men behaving badly, nor do I believe it's right for a man to gravitate toward a woman who is not his wife.

      However, I don't believe it demeans men whatsoever to behave the way God created them. Men are naturally drawn to the female form. There isn't anything "caveman" about it. It's the way we are created.

      The fact is that the more satisfied a man is at home, the less drawn he will be to outside "stimuli."

    2. Thank you for sticking with it and sanely and peacefully answering the questions people pose, even when they appear to detract from what you have stated. It is very clear that this is a deeply important topic to all.

  10. "I don't believe it demeans men whatsoever to behave the way God created them. Men are naturally drawn to the female form. There isn't anything "caveman" about it. It's the way we are created."

    If you believe that God created men to be drawn to naked women that they're not married to in the same way He created flies to be drawn to light, then we have a fundamental disagreement on the doctrine of God ... also on what it means to be His image bearers. Also, if all men "will keep flying into it even if he knows it's a terrible idea," then how did Joseph (and millions of men since him, including Christ, who was "tempted in every way") manage to do otherwise?

    "The fact is that the more satisfied a man is at home, the less drawn he will be to outside 'stimuli.'"

    This is generally true but certainly not a fact. Thousands (maybe millions) of porn addicts have wonderfully sexual spouses.

    1. "If you believe that God created men to be drawn to naked women that they're not married to in the same way He created flies to be drawn to light, then we have a fundamental disagreement on the doctrine of God ..."

      Then I guess we do. :)

    2. Thomas, this concerns me. It is as if you are saying God created man to sin.
      I hope that you just mis-spoke (or typed, as it were), and didn't seriously follow the arguments of your conclusion to their end.

    3. I'm not saying God created man to sin, but the fact is that since the fall, man is sinful. One of those sins is lust. We are lustful and by and large there is no getting around that.

      That said, men do look at women. They look at their own wives as well as other women. We are inherently sinful and therefore we need a help-meet for exactly that reason. A wife who is a true help-meet will see this need and fill it, thereby curtailing his lustful bent.

      That is not to say the man who strays is off the hook entirely. Men have to grow up and take responsibility for their actions. But it sure makes it easier when they are fulfilled at home.

    4. To follow up - I'm awfully glad God created me to be attracted to females. Otherwise I wouldn't have been attracted to my wife. By the way, I wasn't married to her the first time she caught my eye. Was that sinful, or was it God-ordained? Hmm....

    5. Anon,

      Men are attracted to women, however we are built with intuition, a beautiful construct designed by God, that is why we do not act on feelings we may have.
      A man naturally reacts to a naked woman with some sort of stimuli, whether it is to stare or to become aroused; it is a natural process. To say otherwise, is to distort what we know about male sexuality and the female form. If a wife and husband are in a loving, committed, sexually active marriage, there is nothing to worry about. Sexless marriages are not the way God attended married life to be. If there are no medical issues or health concerns, have at it people!! Are we becoming Puritans again? I certainly hope not!

  11. Wow women wake up please!!! I am a married woman and this article nails the truth! Too many women have a negative attitude about sex-I was raised by one! I spent most of my life resenting her for the way she treats my dad-yes they are still married after 30 years and appear to have a good marriage from the outside, but my siblings and I know the truth. It is exactly as is stated in this article-mom decides if or when there is any kind of love, affection, or sex in their relationship! Then she wonders why dad is a workaholic. I have had to learn everything about healthy relationships and how to be a wife the hard way. The bedroom and your attitude play a huge part in making or breaking the relationship. Quit grasping at straws and face reality. As to attraction, looking and lusting are two different things. A man can look at women as beautiful creatures, just as horses or flowers are beautiful, without sinning or lusting. I'm not talking about porn or anything like that. And don't pick apart what I'm saying or read into it please. Just think about it. And think about the article, it couldn't have been said plainer!

    1. Thanks for your point of view. It pains me to read responses from people who use the bible to justify and rationalize their own faults. I don't believe Thomas has any intent to place "blame" on women, but their are a million and one blogs FOR women who post the exact same findings, and yet "anonymous" posters will argue against study results (and the human experience), rather than take an honest look at the way they live.
      These issues are relevant, biblical, and have a very serious affect on any man's sense of worth.
      Arguing that how a man's wife treats and views him should not have any significance on his sense of self worth because only God's decision matters, while essentially true, is just ignorant, and downright unrealistic.
      Show me a man who doesn't care what his wife thinks of him in her actions and deeds, and I'll show you a man who has given up on the relationship, Christian or not.
      That's real life, not theory.

  12. The only thing that makes any activity in the marriage bedroom wrong is when the motive is selfish or the giver has a bad attitude. As a wife I should find delight in giving my husband pleasure-it is not nasty or dirty because God created sex! He should be equally desirous of making me happy as well, but it has to start somewhere, and it might as well be with me because I can't change him!!!:) But God can change people so let Him start with you and it will make it easier for Him to change your husband's heart as he sees God working in you and your unselfish, unconditional, loving attitude! Note to self!;)

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  14. I've enjoyed reading your posts... I do feel that everything should be mutual. My observation is that if a man is feeling the repercussions you listed... He's also guilty of not meeting the very same needs of his wife. I can't tell you how many women (mostly in their 50's and older) I've known, who describe their marriage to me (and I want to cry because my heart aches for them!!!) and it's almost always the same! He does what he pleases when he pleases. Sex is about him. He does nothing special or even slightly slanted toward showing her pleasure... Ok. Not rocket science... How many times does a man think he can get his jollies from his wife without taking the time to allow her to learn to enjoy it too? Seriously? Who wants to be frustrated repeatedly before you decide to stop wanting to give someone else a good time and never get to enjoy it? It's no wonder they start seeing what should be one of the most special bonding rituals a married couple has... As a pain, a chore, an annoyance. And the sad thing is that thy have lived this way their entire marriage!

  15. I just wanted to add... I'd die inside in a marriage like the ones these women describe. How they manage to find happiness, smile and still look lovingly at their husbands amazes me... I never tell my husband no when he wants me. We make love almost daily and he's always enjoying me enjoying him... He did pull a quickie on me two days in a row once... I was so hot and frustrated.... I told him it wasn't nice to do that without warning, and he's never done it again. He agreed he wouldn't like being frustrated and he made up for it the next few encounters :). I understand he was tired. If I'm tired, or don't think I'll reach the goal, I just encourage him with words and he enjoys those encounters seemingly as much as when he's enjoying me enjoying him... I cheer him on enthusiastically and let him know how much I enjoy being with him so that he doesn't think I'm doing an obligatory deed. I do enjoy him, wen if my cold medicine doesn't let me peak! :) I can't imagine not having the bond that we share and intimate encounters are massively important to that bond. That being said... Respect and honesty feed the desire to be intimate in the first place. And a deep love is fed by it all. We love each other with a grateful heart and we gladly meet each other's needs and desires. If I could, I'd bottle what we have and send some to everyone.

  16. I've pretty much given up. We've talked, but I get the impression she doesn't care. Sometimes we've gone beyond a year without being intimate. Really, all I feel my worth to her is doing things she wants done and purchasing that new car she keeps talking about.

  17. "If a woman is too ashamed to reveal her body to her own husband (Gen. 2:25), he will seek out opportunities to see a naked woman, because he has an attraction to them. You see, a naked woman is, to a man, like a light bulb is to a fly."

    So it's all the woman's fault? I had sex with my husband this morning. In the shower. Fully naked. As we usually do at least once a week (obviously this is not the only time we have sex). Yet, not even two hours later, I see him in the store staring at a magazine cover so hard that he doesn't even realize the line has moved up two people. On our way out, he nearly gives himself whiplash as we pass a young woman who was wearing tight jeans and a tighter top. Just *hours* after he'd seen me naked and had sex with me.

    Do you know what that does to me? How that makes me feel? It makes me not want to let him see me naked again because I *know* he's comparing me, and sorry, but after three kids and many years, my body just can't compare to the lithe 20 year old's. You know how it makes men feel rejected and unloved to be told "not tonight, dear?" Well, that's how women feel when our husbands can't hide their desire for every other woman on the planet.

    I'll still have sex with him. I'll still do what I need to do because first of all, I do love him. But second of all, as you've stated quite clearly, if I don't, he'll either cheat or leave me.

    Great deal this marriage thing is.

    1. This post contains many, many "ifs." The part you quoted began "If a woman is too ashamed to reveal her body to her own husband ...."

      If you regularly have sex with your husband in the shower, fully naked, then obviously you are not ashamed to reveal your body to your own husband.

      Also, I clearly stated that this does not give husbands a free pass to ogle other women or to commit adultery.

      That said, maybe your husband is trouble by a different issue that causes him to behave this way.

    2. Ohhh yeah, lets fix the wife she is troubling him to behave this way, she has some problem making him this way.

      Lived 30 years of this male BS glad to be free of it.

      Here is the fact, men do it cause they want to and women are just now walking out on them. Divorce is being initiated by more women then men. We are sick and tired of this crap. :)

      When men want to act respectable and treat women respectable work at managing their lust, be loyal. Then women will react in a kinder more loving way. So glad I am divorced.

      And, for the record - I, me the woman, initiated sex 3 times a week with my ex because I knew it was important to him. I, me the woman, is the one that allowed my body to be trashed by him to induldge his sexual fantasies. I, me the woman, is the one that never had an organism with him, we were focused on pleasing him. I, me the woman, constantly felt bad because he wasn't interested in me but other women. I, me the woman, is the one that kept fit, while he gained 60 pounds.

      What I learned is there is no pleasing a man. A man's sexual fantasy worlds is feed daily by what he allows his eyes to take in everywhere he goes and then how he uses porn to feed those images and fantasy. As a normal woman, I will never be enough thus I no longer desire to compete with fantasy and unrealistic expectations.

    3. I don't think that is right and it can be a type of mental adultery if it is not checked. We have to be aware of the battle and learn to bounce our eyes off the images that cause us temptation. I find that this can happen in silence being a kind of loner and ogling people. If we have to speak legitimately to someone it disappears. It does for me anyhow. Porn is an example of this which is nearly always done alone. A kind of hidden thing.

  18. thank you so much for voicing my struggles. as I am reading this the last time my wife and I had sex was 8 days ago, and this was because we found ourselves in a hotel on a trip to a church conference. I wine and dine my wife regularly but we get home and she wants to watch "just a little bit of tv" and falls asleep on the couch. when she is menstruated, she does not want intimacy and does not want to offer me any alternative. Oral sex only occurs when I initiate it... 9 years of this can make a man sick in his heart and yes I am considering pornography, separation or God forbid the unmentionable divorce/cheating. My only anchor is our two sons whom I could never hurt.

    1. I feel your pain. I am struggling with this now...and for many years. I have 3 grown children and the last will be off to college soon. And I don't know what I am going to do. I can't go through life like this. I've heard the term "reverse adultery" and wondered if that is a 'term' for what I am experiencing. You need to resolve this NOW. I think I am much further down the path than you and it didn't get better for us. Our marriage has got to the point now where she falls asleep sometimes (yep, you guessed it...at the wrong time...or yawning). Wow, really? go ahead...I've opened myself up for some jokes there. I don't want to leave my wife. I do want my wife to desire me and enjoy the intimate part of a marriage and that is just not happening...she 'accommodates' me. To me, this is not legally a divorce...but emotionally it is. My wife loves me (I really believe she does...in her own way), but we have become uninvolved not only during bed, but other parts of our life. Is it really marriage once it erodes that far? I feel our marriage has eroded into more of a partnership. Living in the pain is not a long-term option for you. I don't think you or your wife have spiritually divorced, so you can get things back in order. Go to marriage counseling soon...we have never and I am feeling after 26 years I made a huge mistake in waiting. Maybe she is not telling you something, or maybe you are not telling her something. A counselor will make it easier for you both to effectively communicate. Our last child will be out of our home in 2 months and a counselor will need to be our 1st order of trying to save our 'true marriage'.

      If you read this...respond back after a bit of time and let us know how things are going! I wish you the best.

    2. Don't even think porn or cheating. Sin will not solve your problem. You have to work through these things through prayer and discussion with her.

  19. I stumbled across this article...regardless of any religions contect it is one of the most accurate articles written about this issue...all the other articles say its all the mans fault...he must not be making the wife feel "wanted" well from experience its not that that is the issue its the lack of any kind of acknowledgement of the husbands needs and feelings.

  20. BUT ... many husbands are easily and deeply wounded by rejection from their wives. When husbands are wounded in a sexual way, it cuts to the very heart of their identity.

    Women are deeply wounded by their husbands lusting after others and roving eyes. Hey, but that is what men are, that is how God built them, so women deal with it. Guess men are just going have to deal with the "reaction" :) That is how God built us women. Truly sucks doesn't it :)

  21. Men sometimes leave because marriage becomes a routine and too boring.

  22. I haven't found that it is the wife who says when, what and where at all.

    The when and where has always come from me and most of the what although of course we discuss and adjust things to each other.

  23. How about teaching men that most women are interested in sex with their husbands BUT that if the husband is going to not make time for nor show even interest in the wife (outside of sex, that is) once actually in the marriage, then she isn't going to be happily initiating nor submitting to anything! my husband essentially ignores my existence until, of course, whenever his 'needs' start calling...and then he's so blatant and lame about "initiating" it, to boot. I just feel so used and can't get him to see how nor why! sad wives give no sex.

  24. It's well known that men can seperate sex from relationship. As a married man however I will know if I am doing that and sex has become a meaningful part of our relationship. I don't want sex if she is not enjoying it as well. That is hollow and unmeaningful. I think keeping yourself pure from porn and flirting is something to do with it.

  25. TB, you have done a five job of summing up a healthy look from a Christian point of view regarding sex in marriage. Sadly, most men I know suffer exactly what you refer to when sex is controlled by the female. The 80% use of sex as a tool is alarming to me. I worry about the future of marriage as women tend to think they have a right to use sex as a tool or to deny it or to participate in it as an equal partner. Men do not marry to have a room mate.
    I think it may be a good idea to consider the historical value of women across the millennia where they had no say in most anything. Now the extreme opposite has occurred in the past 75 years or so and only in freer nations. So, women have to emerge into understanding they have a sexuality and it is a beautiful gift from God to be shared with the husband. TV, Hollywood, pop culture and moral relativism have clouded and tainted any sense of sex for both genders. But vanity has always been a drug for women - recall they had no rights so they were given trinkets, hair clips, bows, a nice dress, jewelry and such to appease them.

    Imagine a world with women having seen and enjoyed to same educational and leadership benefits as men for the past 2000 years. The sex issue would not be as bad. Still we suffer an emptiness due to little or no intimacy and closeness. This is the primary reason that I am here now and thinking about leaving.

  26. Men wait an average of 4 days from the time they begin initiating sexual intimacy until they actually have sex with their spouses (no wonder we give up).

    52% of husbands have stopped initiating sex with their wives.
    In a survey of 2,473 men, 7 out of 10 said they were afraid to ask for anything different sexually from their wives.

    Funny that I can take up to four days from initiating sex until it happens. When I'm ready to initiate she always seems busy. Last night it was doing a bible study at 11 pm at night. How can you get in the way of God?

    If I didn't initiate there would be no sex, fact. I do ask for different things. Some she is comfortable with, some not. I count my blessings for the stuff she is comfortable with although sometimes there is a dichotomy between that thing and her normal desire for just IC. We make out somehow but it is an effort to balance it all.

  27. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 directly says we should not refuse our spouses sex. I believe it's verse 5 that says only to do so during fasting in agreement. And only for a short time to keep each other from being tempted. I agree with your list of what will happen when men are rejected by their wifes. I know it's not Biblical but I believe they deserve to be left and cheated on if they won't be with their husbands. That's absolutely pathetic. I do not by any means think that when sin entered the world and God said what would happen that he meant men would be frustrated because their wives would reject them, lol. Anyway, I wish it was a better situation but it's not. In just 4 and a half years, I'm already on my way down the list you mentioned. And I've brought it up several times. The only answer I get is "I don't know why." No one in church gives real answers, and usually blames every problem in marriage on the men. I also think I'm the only one in this marriage that wants answers, so I guess we'll end up wherever we may. I used to care, but not anymore. It's pretty sad but I guess that's life