"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Why Husbands Leave, Part 5: Can I Count On You?

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This is part 5 in my "Why Husbands Leave" series.  If you missed the previous parts of the series, follow the links at the end of this post.

What happens when a husband can’t depend on his wife to do what she says she’ll do?

He will do it himself or find someone else who will. 

  1. Wives, have you ever said you would do something, then forgotten to do it?  Has it happened more than once in the last month?  More than ten times?

  1. Have you gotten so busy with a project that you let some other things, perhaps important things, fall by the wayside?

  1. Have you avoided doing something you said you would do, hoping your husband would forget about it?

  1. Have you been there for him when he needed you, I mean really needed you?

  1. In an emergency, are you prepared to drop everything and go?

If you answered yes to all of the above, then you are an exceptional wife.  Congratulations. 

If you answered no to the above, your husband is most likely feeling a tad abandoned and sad.  Also, he is almost certainly wondering who his friends are, and if you are truly one of them.
Harsh?  Yes.  True?  Yes.  

You see, men are on a quest for someone they can count on, someone who is so loyal that they will say “yes” without even hearing the full request – someone who will be there, just because.  He’s looking for that kind of loyalty from the person who is supposed to be his closest friend – his wife.  She’s supposed to be his very best friend, with all the "all-for-one-and-one-for-all" details that are included in the job description. 

Sadly, many wives are not willing to take on that role, leaving husbands to do for themselves or find help and support elsewhere.  Instead, they make their husbands provide some sort of “proof of need” before they will spring into action.

"Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." (James 4:17)

It is heartbreaking, because most men do not have a friend they can rely on in such a way, whereas women tend to have friends who will come and help at a moments’ notice. 

What happens when a husband realizes he can’t rely on his wife?

He begins to do things for himself that his wife would normally do for him. 
He stops asking her for favors, realizing that she probably won't follow through.
He seeks out other companionship that will be supportive and reliable.
He becomes passive or withdrawn.
He leaves the marriage.

I’m not saying all husbands will do all these things as soon as their wives disappoint them.  What I am saying is that when there is a pattern of unreliability there is a higher likelihood that a husband will demonstrate one or more of these characteristics.

What’s a wife to do?

  1. First, pray for your husband, yourself, and your marriage.  Make sure your most important relationship on earth is covered with sincere prayer.
  2. Secondly, from this moment on, do what you say you’ll do.  Keep your promises.  Be reliable. Don’t give him a reason to look elsewhere for someone he can count on.  Make sure that person is you. 
  3. Lastly, if there are things that you promised in the past, that you haven’t done, do them. 

If you follow these steps he will probably come around and start trusting you again. 

"But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked."    (1 John 2:5-6)

So … what is your track record?  Can your husband count on you? 

From the inside out,



If you would like to read the rest of the series, here are the links.
Why Husbands Leave, Part 1: Significance
Why Husbands Leave, Part 2: Love
Why Husbands Leave, Part 3: Respect 
Why Husbands Leave, Part 4: Sex and Desire 

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  1. I don't wish to be disrespectful to you, but I think the correct answers to the questions are no to the first three and yes to the last two, to be considered an exceptional wife. Perhaps I'm being daft...it's happened before. *smile*

    1. That's what I was thinking, too! I was a little confused when I was reading that part.

  2. This series should be required reading. Wish I had this info as a newlywed! Its seems common sense. Wonder why I didn't think of this stuff before? Gotta work on this one.

  3. "A man works from sun up to sun down but a woman's work is never done". Women tend to put everybody else in front of them, resulting in physical, emotional and intellectual exhaustion. Kids, house responsibilities, work, whatever else that needs to be done, she'll do it. Husbands need to be leaders, be a good example to their wives and family... including being a servant and not sit on the couch all night. Husbands cannot lose track of the vision to raise the next generation to be servants and teach them how to put their hands to the plow and not look back.

    1. I'm having trouble with this. It doesn't seem much different than worker ants.
      We are not animals or insects. We were made for so much more.
      Mary and Martha - which one complained to Jesus about the "duties in life"?
      Jesus pointed out that she was so anxious about the things to do and, well, basically is missing the opportunities within her own household!
      I refuse to be a little worker bee all of my life. I want what is here in my household - in my own bed!

  4. Ummm... I have a hard time believing that a man cannot count on his wife. My experience has been the exact opposite. Even after I told and showed him the post operative brochure so he knew I would be needing his help 100%. I could only count on him partially for the first week after I had spinal fusion surgery to remove two ruptured discs in my neck.

    1. ADHD, mommy brain, husbands being low on the list of priorities. There are reasons they cannot count on their wives which is what this post is about. It's about integrity.

  5. why are the wives being blamed for the husband leaving? this is infuriating - if he chooses to leave - it's on him. Most real men will try to talk to their wives - communicate their needs - let them know they are unhappy and work on it. Running away and leaving doesn't solve anything - its selfish - not Christ like - and just more broken families - stop blaming the victim for someone who turns his back on his wife and family and does not take up his cross - honor his marriage vows and not doing God's will. No one is perfect - its called being human. I'm sure the husband has his flaws too!