"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;"
Eph 5:25

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Introvert Husband

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Are you an introvert or an extravert?

I'm an introvert, but because I have a career that requires me to speak and perform in front of large crowds I am force to be extroverted for my job.  It's strange, I know, but we all do uncomfortable things when necessary, don't we?


Being introverted and being a husband don't easily go hand in hand, especially when the husband is called upon to be the head and leader of the household. There are a few unique issues that have to be overcome when a husband is introverted.

1. It's difficult for us to assert our opinions.  When we express our opinions, you can be certain there was a fierce internal battles before we ever decided to say anything.  Answering questions is even harder because of the possible reaction of our (self) perceived stupid answers.  The possibility of being ridiculed for the way we think is enough to keep our mouths shut.

2. We only open up to a few people over a lifetime.  There are so few people whom we consider "safe" that hardly anyone really "knows" us.  We have one, maybe two friends.  That's all.  An introverted husband may not even count his own wife as a member of his inner circle.

3. We take the word "no" very personally.  It takes a great deal of inner strength to ask for something, so when the answer is "no," it is difficult to gather the courage to ask for anything else.

4. We need down time.  Alone.  We get lost in the solitude of a hobby or an activity - television, reading, computer games.  How we choose to relax is important to us.  We need it to be okay to do what is necessary to decompress.

You might ask why I'm sharing this?

As a husband who fits the description above, I wanted to give some insight into the mind of a classic introvert.  Also, I wanted to explain a few things concerning how such a person might lead a marriage and family and how a wife might help him.

While it's difficult for me to assert opinions and make demands, I do make it a priority to lead in my own quiet way and not in a demanding way.  I have my own particular style of leadership which doesn't fit the typical mold, and I depend on my wife to respect and submit to me as the head of our household and on my children to obey me as their father.  When they don't I sometimes retreat into myself and fail to exercise my position as husband and father.

I understand that I can't force someone to respect me.  That is why I depend so heavily on them to do what is right as I lead us according to what God has placed on my heart. Under the circumstances it would be easy for my wife to usurp my authority and lead the family in my place.  I trust her more and find myself more willing to open myself to her when she submits to my leadership and doesn't try to take it from me. 

14 comments:

  1. Thomas, Thank you for this post! I'm going to link it to my posts for the ladies about this topic. If there is anything else you'd like to share from the masculine perspective, I'm all ears! This is a very helpful post. :)

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  2. I identify with much of what has been described here. Introversion may lead to other problems in a marriage, such as when the wife likes to go to parties and events, and the husband's favorite activity is to stay at home... Well, with time one learns to compromise and to take part in activities you don't like, for love's sake - and to make company at home, when you would rather go out. These differences in personality have been more or a problem in the past than lately, but still do occur sometimes. By the way, I've been married for 20 years to the same lovely woman the good God has given me. No regrets.

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    1. Thank you for your comment! I'm blessed to have a wife who is a home body just like me. I do agree there are times when we have to go along with something our spouse wants for love's sake. It important to compromise even when it makes us uncomfortable.

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  3. I'm an introvert too, Thomas, although maybe not as introverted as you've described yourself to be. I do so resonate with number 4, though! And I think you bring up a good point. It's harder for men to be introverts, especially if you're an introvert who doesn't like to assert himself. I have an extroverted husband and I often run over him even when he's asserting his way! ha! So I appreciate your insight for all of us wives who need to submit and trust our husband's leadership, especially when our husbands are introverted and quieter about expressing that leadership. Great thoughts as always!

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  4. Greetings to you my brother

    Concerning introversion, is caused by hurt and wounded the heart of the individual. I myself am an introvert, and can relate.

    The leader of the church I attend, he also was an introvert. In his early years of salvation he read alot and prayed without ceasing and fasting often which caused him to grow closer and closer to Christ and it caused him to expirienced to feel God's tangible presence daily and still expirience today, he can sense God's presence when someone just finished praying. He is no more an introvert but speak boldly the order of God in his own home and setting it in order. The Word will make you bold speaking and establising the order of God's kingdom.

    He told me that if I spend more time in the Word, my introversion will disapear because of the working of the Word in my life. The Word will deliver a soul from introversion. Jesus heals, glory to His name! Amen.

    God bless you!

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  5. Greetings to you my brother

    Concerning introversion, is caused by hurt and wounded the heart of the individual. I myself am an introvert, and can relate.

    The leader of the church I attend, he also was an introvert. In his early years of salvation he read alot and prayed without ceasing and fasting often which caused him to grow closer and closer to Christ and it caused him to expirienced to feel God's tangible presence daily and still expirience today, he can sense God's presence when someone just finished praying. He is no more an introvert but speak boldly the order of God in his own home and setting it in order. The Word will make you bold speaking and establising the order of God's kingdom.

    He told me that if I spend more time in the Word, my introversion will disapear because of the working of the Word in my life. The Word will deliver a soul from introversion. Jesus heals, glory to His name! Amen.

    God bless you!

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  6. I stumbled across this in my search for actitivities to do with my husband, who is an introvert. I am an extrovert and often get frustrated, but I love what you said and I will try to remember to respect his needed down time, whereas I am always needing to be on the go doing something. I am also guilty of taking advantage of him not being assertive and hardly ever saying no to my silly requests. With God's grace I'm learning not to ask for things that I know we don't need. Thank you again for sharing.

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  7. Thanks for sharing!
    I am married to an introverted husband and I love him, and submit to his 'quiet' leadership style. Btw, I am extroverted but in short high-energy bursts. Otherwise, I'm chilling with my husband and all is well and dandy!...

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  8. I am an extrovert.I have been married for 18 years with 3 lovely children. My husband is a wonderful person to the entire family but I always thought he never loved me because he loves staying by himself, he's always on the computer , never shared much with me.etc ...now i understand why..he is an introvert!!!.......thank you everyone for sharing !...This article really helped

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  9. How can you encourage an introverted husband to be more involved in church? How can you avoid using your temperament (melancholic or phlegmantic) as a reason to not be involved in fellowship and ministry? Shouldn't one be controlled by the Holy Spirit?

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  10. Unfortunately, many people assume that one personality is better than the other. Yet, I have come to realize that extroversion and introversion compliment each other. For instance, in ministry I have seen how an extrovert is able to help an introvert become better at expressing themselves. While an introvert can help an extrovert to become a more thoughtful listener. Sadly, people often make the mistake (even in church) of viewing personality differences as manifestations of unresolved hurts from a person's past.

    For example, I have often seen people in the church view an introvert's tendency to be less talkative as a indication of an emotional wound they have yet to heal from. However, I have noticed that introverts are often the least talkative of a group while extroverts are typically the least quiet people of a group. In other words, introversion and extroversion are God-given temperaments that can be used to glorify God. As a result, we can embrace our God-given temperaments while allowing the Holy Spirit to develop Christlike character in us. This can occur whether we are introverts, extrovert or somewhere in between.

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  11. Thank you for sharing that. I am married to an introvert. I respect my husband in every way and he is my best friend and my whole life along with our children of course. What I struggle with is when he goes silent. I know he needs this time to decompress and I try so hard to respect that . Most of the time though it really kills me inside. I feel like I've done something and he isn't speaking to me because he's mad at me. Each time I feel like oh god here it comes he's leaving me. I know that's not the case but how can I keep going without worry until he's done being silent? I know it seems so selfish of me, I'm just the type of person that likes to talk it out and I know that's not his way of dealing with things.

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    1. Its highly difficult to be with such a husband. At times, it comes across as extremely rude when I see my husband not interacting with people in the same room.But I wonder why my husband can't help notice that this behaviour of not interacting with people around is awkward and rude, whereas everyone else is able to notice so. How should I get my peace with this ?

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  12. Thanks for sharing this information. This has truly helped me understand the struggle between me and my husband. He's definitely an introvert and I'm an extrovert. It's very difficult for my husband to express or communicate his feelings and I find it extremely frustrating. We battle constantly about his way of communication. We are opposites, but I don't see life without him. Thanks again for sharing because now I can see the difference and understand the why's.

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