God has given husbands the responsibility of leading their
wives and children helping them grow closer to Him. It’s a daunting task at best which is made even more challenging
when a husband and wife don’t see eye to eye on the subject of headship and submission.
Last week I received a question from a husband who is
struggling with leadership in his marriage.
It isn’t an issue in which he has difficulty following God’s leadership;
rather, it’s a matter of convincing his wife and children to submit to his
leadership.
He writes:
My wife rebels against my authority all the time. She’ll only submit to my leadership when she agrees with me. When she doesn’t agree with me, or when it means work for her she refuses to submit. I try to live with understanding but I tired of trying to get her to submit to me. It’s affecting my relationship with our kids too. They think I’m stupid and inferior to her because of the way she behaves. I just don’t know what to do.
Many husbands, myself included, face the same situation to a
certain extent in our own marriages.
Husbands submit to the Lord and lead accordingly, only to have their
wives stop short of submission. I’ll
follow him this far and no further. At some point along the way they draw a line in the sand
either when things start to become uncomfortable or when they disagree with the
direction or decision their husbands are making.
The fact is that we husbands are commanded to love our wives
as Christ loved the church, giving His life for her. (Ephesians 5:25) This means that we must live our lives
sacrificially for her benefit, giving up what we need in deference to her
needs. It does not mean we should deny ourselves so that she can have
every little thing she wants (that would definitely not be for her
benefit), but for her good.
Wives are instructed in Ephesians to submit to their
husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:22).
Everything means not just the things with which they agree but everything.
So, when a wife draws a line in the sand and will not submit to things that are
outside her comfort zone or ideas with which she does not agree, she is in sin,
plain and simple.
But it isn’t that simple.
1 Peter 3:7 says Likewise, husbands, live
with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the
weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your
prayers may not be hindered. In
this verse husbands are instructed to take great care of their wives and to
show thoughtful consideration of them, emotionally, spiritually, and
physically. This means that when they
aren’t ready to submit to their husbands and to God, their husbands must be
understanding and patient. If not, the
husbands’ prayers will be hindered.
What, then, should a husband do
when he tries his best to assume the headship in his marriage and to take the
marriage where the Lord leads, and, as this husband’s question states, his wife
will not follow? The path of least resistance is
to take a back seat to his wife and and let her lead.
Go along to get along.
In Hebrews 12:14, Paul tells us to
make every effort to live in peace with everyone. He specifically says every effort. I have personally taken this to mean that
when my wife is upset with me to the point that it is causing distress (not
just a small disagreement) I must make every effort to live in peace
with her. When the line has been drawn in the sand, whether by word or by
action, I must set aside my vision for our marriage, even important ones, to
live in peace with my bride.
As a husband, am I happy about
it? No. Does it damage our marriage and hinder our intimacy?
Yes, sometimes it does. Is there
anything I can do about it? Pray, and
be patient.
Our wives are precious gifts from
God. We have to lead them, love them,
guide them. And when they rebel, we
have to be gracious and forgive them.
